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Postby winter » Tue Apr 19, 2005 10:54 am

So this pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says 'OK, just dont' start anything.'
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
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Postby Almuerzo » Sun Apr 24, 2005 1:37 pm

A duck walks into a bar and says ouch.
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Postby winter » Mon May 16, 2005 11:06 pm

Almuerzo, I didn't like your joke, but I laughed anyway and I don't know why either so there.



So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
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Postby winter » Mon May 16, 2005 11:17 pm

What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?

The Pope is dead.

......................................................

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!

......................................................

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.

.........................................................

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

"I got an escape plan", says the man's cell mate.

"What is it?"

"Put this blanket over your head, and I'll tell you what to do when the guard comes back."

The man puts the blanket over his head, and his cell mate begins to rape him. Savagely.

....................................................................


A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
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Postby Cwew » Tue May 17, 2005 10:41 am

This woman's walking on the beach and she sees a man that looks exactly like Hitler. Curious the woman walks up to the man and says "Hey, you look just like Hitler!"

The man replies, "I am Hitler".

The woman looks a little scared and responds, "Oh, well...uhm, what are you doing back....on this beach?"

Hitler responds, "Plotting how to kill off all the Jews, and three little squirrles"

To which the woman respons, "Three little squirrels? Why would you want to kill three little squirrles???"

Hitler responds, "See, nobody cares about the Jews."
--Christopher

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Postby -- Brando -- » Tue May 17, 2005 1:31 pm

What is E.T. short for ?



Because he has small legs
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Postby Cwew » Wed May 18, 2005 10:15 am

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The covers are jumping around and the bed is rocking and the little boy says "Mommy! Daddy! What are you doing?!?"

The mother and father stop, and say "why son, we're playing Canasta"

The little boy looks confused but says "ok" and walks out.

A few weeks later the mother is setting the table and yells for the boy to come to dinner, but there is no responce. Soon after they hear a knocking like a headboard on a wall so the father runs upstairs to see what's going on. Sure enough the covers are jumping around and the bed's rocking. The father yells! "Son, just what do you think you are doing?!?

The boy looks over and says "Dad! I'm playing canasta"

The father says, "But son, you need two to play canasta!

The son replies, "Not if you have a good hand!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A religion teacher decides to see which part of the body most of his kids feel goes to heaven first, so he presents the question to the class. Immidiatly Jane, a girl in the front row, raises her hand. "I think your heart goes to heaven first!" she exclaims.

Teacher : I think that's a very good answer, thank you Jane.

Next a young man John raises his hand and says "I think it's your mind!"

Teacher : also a very good answer, thank you John. Anyone else?

finally a young man named Phil that sits in the back of the room blurts out "I think it's your feet!"

Teacher : You're feet? why would you think it's your feet?

Phil : well, last night I walked in my mom's room and her feet were straight up in the air and she was yelling Oh God, I'm cumming I'm cumming!
--Christopher

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Postby insanehippie » Fri May 20, 2005 3:52 am

winter wrote:...

"I know, I know" says Johnno. "Just when i was about to come back, they sent that whole volley of mortars over, and I couldn't get away. So I thought, What the hell, and I flipped her over and give her one up the arse as well!"
By now, Robbo is over his anger and he's laughing "You dirty bugger!! Sounds like the only thing you didn't do was get head!!"
"Head? Oh no, she didn't have a head.....

:?

Ugh... I won't be able to get that image out of my head now. thanks!
/sarcasm
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Postby insanehippie » Fri May 20, 2005 3:54 am

winter wrote:GOOD, BAD, AND UGLY:


1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

THAT WAS AMAZING!

awesome! This thread is going in the hall of fame!
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Postby -- Brando -- » Sat May 28, 2005 11:14 am

Q: What do you call a prostitute with her hands up her skirt ?

A: Self-employed
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