JOKES!

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Postby winter » Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:26 pm

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
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Postby winter » Sat Jun 04, 2005 6:29 pm

Lets just say for fun that you and I are farmers, and it just so happens that our farms are right next door to each other. You raise donkeys, and I raise chickens. One day my prize rooster hops the fence and one of your donkeys eats the feet off of my rooster.

Do you know what you have?















Two feet of my cock up your ass!
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
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Postby -- Brando -- » Sun Jun 12, 2005 1:23 pm

So a priest, a rabbi, a monk, a duck and a horse walk into a bar and the bartender asks "Is this a joke ?"
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
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Postby insanehippie » Sun Jun 12, 2005 3:53 pm

winter wrote:Bra sizes
Have you ever wondered why and how A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me- I've fallen and I can't get up!

HAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!

That makes more sense than you know. B and C sizes rock, anything more and it's unuseable.

-Jesse
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"Why not the Time Cube?" The only reason is educated stupidity. -TimeCube.com
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Postby insanehippie » Sun Jun 12, 2005 3:58 pm

winter wrote:On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.


HAHAHAAHAHAHA!
BMWs aren't that cool anyway.
Good story.

-Jesse
http://www.boldconservative.com - A proud Red State Conservative, and Un-Reconstructed Southerner!
God Bless the Troops.
"Why not the Time Cube?" The only reason is educated stupidity. -TimeCube.com
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Postby Cwew » Mon Jun 13, 2005 11:09 am

Three women are on a desest island, a blond a redhead and a brunette.

One day a magic lamp washes ashore, and the brunette runs over and picks it up. She rubs the lamp and a genie pops out and says

"I'll grant you one wish! Decide!"

The brunette says "I wish I was home with my family" *poof*, she dissapears and the lamp falls to the sand.

The redhead sees this and excitedly picks up the lamp and says "I wish I was home with my family too!" *poof* she dissapears and the lamp falls to the sand.

The blond looks around with a sad face, picks up the lamp and says "I'm lonely, I wish my two friends were back"...
--Christopher

Procrastinate now, don't put it off...
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Postby winter » Sat Jun 18, 2005 7:48 pm

The difference between men and women

Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?

Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.

W1: Oh! That's so cute!

W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!

W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

MEANWHILE....

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
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Postby winter » Sat Jun 18, 2005 7:50 pm

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.


The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
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Postby winter » Sat Jul 09, 2005 12:25 pm

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike
replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.


Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what is wrong
and what to do aboutit.


It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later the
computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in about two weeks."

Thank you for shopping! at Wal-Mart.



That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.


He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter,

and a sperm sample for good measure.


Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction,

and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:


1. Your tap water is too hard... Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo, on
Aisle 7.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.


Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart.
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
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Postby DazedandConfusedz » Sat Jul 09, 2005 1:28 pm

You're a redneck if...

-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Watch this" everytime before you go to the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.
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