JOKES!

Only the best of the best posts go here.
Funny conversations, interesting ones, important ones, etc. Once moved here, they cannot be added to, or modified by the users. The Moderators with consultation from the users, will decide which posts go here.

Moderator: IHN Forum Moderators

JOKES!

Postby winter » Wed Apr 13, 2005 2:02 am

What do you call a black guy flying an airplane?









A PILOT YOU FUCKING RACIST BASTARD!
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
User avatar
winter
Isolated Basement Dweller
Isolated Basement Dweller
 
Posts: 968
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:39 am
Location: smyrna

Postby winter » Wed Apr 13, 2005 2:06 am

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into pub..... closely followed by an American, a Frenchman and a Greek; a talking kangaroo; a crocodile; two nuns on a bicycle; the Lone Ranger & Tonto; a bloke with his wife's curtains; a mushroom; 3 gay builders; a scientist; a man with trained penguin; and Liberace.
The barman looks up and says "What is this, some kinda joke?"
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
User avatar
winter
Isolated Basement Dweller
Isolated Basement Dweller
 
Posts: 968
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:39 am
Location: smyrna

Postby winter » Wed Apr 13, 2005 2:17 am

These two diggers are in Vietnam during the war. They are the last of their battalion and have been pinned down in their trench for 3 days.
Johnno turns to Robbo and says "I've gotta hang a shit, mate"
Robbo, between artillery blasts, tells him "Not in here you're not! We could be stuck here for days, I'm not lying around in your shit while the VC blast hell out of us!!"
Johnno then volunteers to scoot over to the next trench, as long as Robbo lays down covering fire for him. So up jumps Robbo, firing wildly with an M16 in each hand, as Johnno commando-rolls over the redoubt.
An hour and a half later, Robbo is cursing his mate and still holding a platoon of Charlie all by himself.
Johnno finally leaps into the trench, with a big grin on his ugly head, and Robbo serves him bigtime for being a selfish, lazy, gutless bastard.
"Hang on" says Johnno, 'there's a reason it took so long"
Robbo says "Well it better be a damn good one ... what happened?"
"Well, " says Johnno, "I got over there and started to shit, and it'd been 5 days since my last shit, and with the dysentery and all, it took a while..."
"90 MINUTES?" asks Robbo.
"No no, it took about 10 minutes. But then when I was finished, I noticed this young Vietnamese chick in the opposite corner of the trench. Completely naked, great tits, I reckon about 15 years old. Man, I was so horny I just dove over and gave her one..."
"Ok" says Robbo, 'but thats not 90 minutes worth"
"No, its not. After I'd finished, I figured this could be my last chance, so i gave her another one"
Robbo says "I reckon we're up to about 30 minutes, keep talking"
"Yeah, then I was thinking that I'd had a shit and two roots, while you were here all alone, fighting of the 'Cong, and that didn't seem right. So when i got my breath back, I gave her one for you too - real nice and slow and long."
Robbo's touched. "Thats real good of you mate, and I do appreciate it. But its still not 90 minutes worth.."
"I know, I know" says Johnno. "Just when i was about to come back, they sent that whole volley of mortars over, and I couldn't get away. So I thought, What the hell, and I flipped her over and give her one up the arse as well!"
By now, Robbo is over his anger and he's laughing "You dirty bugger!! Sounds like the only thing you didn't do was get head!!"
"Head? Oh no, she didn't have a head.....
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
User avatar
winter
Isolated Basement Dweller
Isolated Basement Dweller
 
Posts: 968
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:39 am
Location: smyrna

Postby -- Brando -- » Wed Apr 13, 2005 11:14 am

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant ?



A: Marry her
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
User avatar
-- Brando --
Mod
Mod
 
Posts: 4152
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2002 4:18 pm
Location: Chesapeake, VA

Postby winter » Fri Apr 15, 2005 10:13 pm

Two sausages are in a frying pan. The first sausage turns to the other and says "Damn, its hot in here!" The second sausage says "Holy shit! A talking sausage!"
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
User avatar
winter
Isolated Basement Dweller
Isolated Basement Dweller
 
Posts: 968
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:39 am
Location: smyrna

Postby -- Brando -- » Sat Apr 16, 2005 2:33 am

So a priest, a rapist, and a child molester walk into a bar ..
.. and that was just the first guy
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
User avatar
-- Brando --
Mod
Mod
 
Posts: 4152
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2002 4:18 pm
Location: Chesapeake, VA

Postby winter » Sun Apr 17, 2005 10:22 am

GOOD, BAD, AND UGLY:


1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
User avatar
winter
Isolated Basement Dweller
Isolated Basement Dweller
 
Posts: 968
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:39 am
Location: smyrna

Postby winter » Sun Apr 17, 2005 10:24 am

Theres an entrance exam for the FBI and 3 of the best police officers in the country were invited. The test was to go into an interrogation room with your wife and shoot her. They were hesitant to try but they did anyways. The first cop goes in and within 5 minutes comes out crying yelling he can't do it. The second guy is in there for a little while but he too cannot pull the trigger. The 3rd cop goes in and after a couple minutes everyone could hear a loud racket coming from the room. After about 20 minutes the cop comes out and says "the gun had blanks in it, but the chair did the job"
“Feminism is a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

-My dear buddy, Pat Robertson
User avatar
winter
Isolated Basement Dweller
Isolated Basement Dweller
 
Posts: 968
Joined: Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:39 am
Location: smyrna

Postby -- Brando -- » Sun Apr 17, 2005 10:26 am

So a hamburger walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you serve food here ?"


:wink:
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
User avatar
-- Brando --
Mod
Mod
 
Posts: 4152
Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2002 4:18 pm
Location: Chesapeake, VA

Postby phyre » Sun Apr 17, 2005 10:54 pm

An airplane carrying a frenchman, and englishman, and an american goes down in the jungle. They all survive, but are pulled from the reckage by cannibles. The cannibles explain that they're going to kill them and use their skin for boats, but they get to kill themselves as to choose the manner of their death. The frenchman takes his knife, screams "Viva la France!" and slits his throat. The Englishman take out a single-shot pistol, puts it so his head, shouts "God save the queen!" and pulls the trigger. BAM! He's dead. The American rummages through his bag and pulls out a fork. He starts stabbing all over his chest and torso while yelling "Fuck your boat! Fuuuuuuuck yooooooooooour boat!"
"Dude, I hang out in the gay porn section. I cannot figure out why I cannot find any hot ladies! Can someone help me?" --Seraphim

"Light S&M is good, but I don't get the whole chained to the bed deal." --InsaneHippie
User avatar
phyre
Thought Police
Thought Police
 
Posts: 2404
Joined: Mon Sep 09, 2002 8:54 am
Location: Inside each and every one of you...

Next

Return to Forum Hall Of Fame

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests

cron